This post was one assignment I found hard to broach. Maybe because it has been a quite a while in coming. Maybe because it is a little more personal than cheesecake. Maybe because I am still not quite sure of how to put these many contradictory emotions into words.

Regardless, hesitations have finally been laid aside, and I get to share some of the very best news with you, my wonderful readers.

My pants are getting tighter and tighter and this time, pasta is not the culprit! It’s true, we are making the leap from puppy-parents to human-parents and gosh, I still cannot wrap my mind around this wonderful thing that claims to be my reality. Cue allllll the exclamation points.

Now, please allow me to give you all the nitty gritty details of this thing I have been trying so hard to keep quiet for 3 1/2 months.

Rewind to August. We were ending our summer with a vacation. I wasn’t feeling 100% when we hopped on the plane to depart, but by the end of the week I was full-on SICK. I could not figure out what was going on, but I blamed my queasiness on the Florida heat and tried to press ahead. The general feeling of ickiness combined with a few other oddities left me with the slightest uneasiness, but I told myself I simply could not go through the pain of facing a negative test. After another difficult doctor’s appointment in July, we had come to terms with a baby-less life and hoping seemed like a tease I just did not need.

Eventually, I conceded to Mr. Pedantic’s eager urgings and picked up one of those garishly pink boxes of tests. I rolled my eyes when I bought it, gingerly tucking it behind the salad greens and kombucha as I made my way to check out.

Less than 24 hours after arriving home from our trip, I was gifted the biggest surprise of my life. And just like that, everything changed.

Now, this is the point at which all of my idealistic imaginings of this moment were replaced with a very un-magical reality. When those little pink lines creeped into sight, I just started bawling. I still have no explanation for my reaction, but I was so utterly blindsided, scared, and ecstatic all at once that I really did not know what else to do.

I eventually gathered myself enough to find some tissue paper and a tiny gift bag, and a little while later I handed it over to Mr. Pedantic. There was a lot of squealing and counting of lines. I, on the other hand, did some more crying.

In the subsequent weeks, I took four more tests, each one in a state of panic, thinking this just couldn’t be real. I had already grieved what I couldn’t have, already found joy in what was within grasp, and now…an utterly unexpected gift. It was wildly wonderful.

JOY is the triumphant emotion, but just like the uneasy fear I felt before walking down the aisle to my now-husband, the very bigness of this news is still sometimes more than I can wrap my head around. I spent the first two months in constant fear. Each time we shared our news I reached for excitement, but could only think of how much it would hurt to have to tell one more person that I had lost it. Because I was absolutely convinced I would lose it. I wanted to be my normal, squealing, jumping, celebratory self, but fear and resign towards failure seemed much easier. It has been a great season for learning and while I am still not entirely sure what it is that I have learned, I think my concept of joy is maturing. And believe me, I am brimming with joy.

With each ultrasound and tiny kick of teeny feet this dream I am living becomes a little more tangible. Fears and doubts slowly depart in the wake of small victories and abundant blessings.

The past couple months have been nothing like I had imagined. I would seem that living out pregnancy is nearly as challenging for me as was its achievement. Between emergency ultrasounds, unbelievably brutal morning (ahem, all-day) sickness, and spurts of bed rest, I have lost much of what I know as life for the past several months.

BUT! Today, I have a healthy, growing baby living within me. A baby who seems to be holding his or her own without too much extra effort on my part these days, and we are already the proudest of parents. Names have been picked, nursery Pinterest-boards curated, and Sabine is getting a lot of extra attention before the rude awakening arrives.

Thank you so much for letting me share this piece of my life with you. This is my biggest baking project yet and as we move into these next several months, I hope to share some of the highlights either here or on my social feeds.

I am thankful - beyond thankful - for this gift from God and for the opportunity to know the joys and the pains of early motherhood for myself. Thank you so much for continuing to patronize this space even though it has been a little more quiet than I would wish. I have missed it so much and have struggled a lot with shirking responsibilities in order to keep both this tiny baby and myself surviving but, it’s a true privilege, we are getting there, and routines are slowly returning.

Thanks for doing life with me. xoxo

Sincerely,

Pedantic Foodie